Closing chapter...

Yes it is. It is time (bak kata N) to let go.

All hell was let loose this morning. I knew I had it bad going online so early in the morning. I'm still a little jumbled up. What good does it bring you when you've cried yr heart out, two nights in a row. Dah la tgh emo, layan Hindustan lagi, memang naya la.

The first thing I did was to wrap all the gifts to be sent back. I don't ever want to have anything that's gonna remind me. I called N and screamed on the top of voice muttering craps such as, feeling like jumping into the Sarawak River, or maybe get myself hit in front that infamous cat statues and be aired on Buletin Utama tonight. N managed to calm me down a little simply by saying, "You are not yrself now. I will talk to you later ok when you've calmed down"

N has to get ready to work anyway. I called the next person who knows. F took time out for half an hour basically listening to me cursing myself away. I know I can't bother her for long as she has to work. She made me promised so hard to make sure I'll take good care.

After posting the what-nots I decided for a little retail therapy. Even that doesn't work!!! I saw CB and as much as I want to indulge myself, I hate the sight of it at the moment. At the time being, I even hate the fact of going back to KL. N called and I whined my heart out again. "I can't even shop. I think I'm going to go back empty handed" and N merely laughed and said make sure I do go back with something. "Yes, why not a 3-inch heel for me to kick asses?" (am at evil mood)

"Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?" (29:2). Now, the things that N said, I am very grateful of.

"You know dear, I ada banyak benda nak bagitau u tapi I need to wait till you calm down first. Satu je la I nak bgtau you. It is time to let go. Itu sahaja. It's taken its toll on you. Bukan sekejap menda nih. You jangan fikir la the reasonings that may be behind all these, what ever probs he's having, matured tak matured, sebab masalahnya sekarang dia pikir ke pasal u, dia cuba nak paham u ke? Come on la, I was with you all along, I tau segala kisah you, and I totally understand how it feels though only you know how exactly you feel inside. Do you understand what I'm saying? You tak salah. Nothing to be embarrassed of. You berusaha your very best to save what was left because you know what you want but he is not doing any efforts at all. Lest to say appreciating it. I tau you sayangkan dia but come on la, where was he when you had to go through all the obstacles to be at this point and you still have a long way to go. You mesti relax. Enjoy yrself at home for now sebab when you come back to KL later it's going to be tough for you. Success spells hard works my friend. You kawan I. How can we stand seeing you being treated this way. Sekarang dia dah cari masalah dengan I jugak. He is messing with the wrong group of women la. I don't understand why he is so rude to not answer my calls. He has an issue with u itu adalah masalah both of u la. Nape nak kurang ajar dgn I plak. Kalau jumpa semalam I dah belasah dah agaknya. You know my temper. Apa salahnya pick up my call, and meet up, tak nak hadiah sudah lah, takde orang nak paksa. I'm not doing this for him ok, I'm doing this simply for you who is my friend. I don't even know him. For yr sake juga lah I bersabar nih. You don't worry too much la dear. You masih muda, priorities you banyak terhadap career, family etc. You kan, I know la all the things you went through and did, yr sacrifices, and demi Allah dear, insyaAllah segala pengorbanan you tak akan sia-sia, Allah akan balas you dengan seorang lelaki yang seribu kali lebih baik dari dia, insyaAllah. You trust me on that. And him, you jangan bimbang la, what goes around comes around. And KL nieh kecik la. He does not deserve you at all. Right now you calm down dulu, jangan belasah-belasah orang. It won't do you any good. Jangan bawa kereta macam hantu coz there're innocent people on the road. You are not yrself at the moment. I kenal you la. Go back to your sensible self. You take care ok. Bila you balik nanti I bawa you gi mandi sungai, bbq, and main gitar ok?"

Well, like what I've told N and F. I tak marah. Nak kata upset tidak jugak. Tapi it just feels good to curse, I guess. To vent out. Tak boleh nak bawak bersabar nor mengucap at the moment sebab am feeling bitter. It hurts so much that I'm having on-off chest pains. But, but, I'm not, well, marah or sedih or kecewa bagai nak rak. I won't aniaya diri sendiri semata-mata seorang lelaki. I can carry it all to my grave but to break down is not even the slightest possibility. For me, I ikhlas dalam apa jua I did, I tidak mengharapkan balasan so I guess that's why I'm not deeply affected and the rest is history. Bengang of course la bengang sebab the turnout of things tapi is it worth it to stay bengang?

I don't want my friends and myself to be troubled with issue bodoh as such. I might as well drain their brain for ideas on how to deal with so many other important stuffs. I tidak lah mendoakan yang bukan-bukan sebagai balasan. I'm not even hoping the karma thing would work. I just don't feel like feeling like it. I've prayed hard all these while and will not turn my back against my own prayers. Cuma selepas ini, full-stop lah. I'm sure there are many others who prays for him now and then.

Just today...

Closing the chapter.

"..dan bahawasanya DIA lah yang menjadikan orang tertawa dan menangis." (An Najm : 43)