Happy pills...

I avoid questionings of why(s) in life. Simply because I don't wish to doubt His ways of doing things. And yet at times I can't help feeling miserable with the turnouts. It hurts to see your efforts being flushed down the drain. It hurts to be ignored. And it especially hurts to realized you're among the few being treated in such a way.

I realized He wants me to be constantly near Him but isn't there a lighter burden to come with? The solution may be there, I may have refused to see it, so help me Lord to see a clearer path.

Between You and I, are kept only for our knowledge. Never even revealed to those I consider close. It's not to avoid being labeled pious but simply I was not ready to reach out/share in that particular department. When You answered to my istikharah, I felt so helpless as I dare not talk to anyone about it. I thought it was endurable then. Years later it got unbearable. I decided to share and seek for second opinion(s). When we sat down and talked then I realized how major the issue was. And yet I find myself still struggling... is a little appreciation too much to ask for?

I believe in answered prayers. I know You always have attended to them. A friend's birthday-I recite the Yassin, I prayed for lifelong happiness and success, a life to be filled wisdom, strengthened Iman, increased Taqwa, and Istiqamah in deeds. At least I know this is the one gift that can't be thrown out of anger.

Maybe it was due to the doldrums I've been having the whole day; I feel especially close to You when I did my sujud. I whine, I cried only to take in sudden epiphany that I (can) gained inner peace by Your side.

It still hurt a lot as of this time. Eventually I know I will bounce back. I guess I just have to be a little patient and take some of my happy pills now...