Life's Chapters

Finished reading Mereka Yang Tertewas and Nota Cinta Buatmu. The former was one of the text book used in Malay Literature when I took the paper in 2000. That was the final year they used the book. Nota Cinta Buatmu, this is my third time reading it.

Had a short outing to watch Jet Li's Fearless. Fh and I later adjourned to Pizza Junction for some slices.

It was both reassuring and comforting to be talking to someone who shares the same frequency and need not having to go into details and yet she understands. Dilemma and setbacks are always there. Your just have got to persevere and truly believe that no sacrifices are ever a waste.

Sebagai manusia kita mempunyai terlalu banyak kesilapan di dalam hidup. Banyaknya yang tidak akan terjangkau sekiranya kita ingin menghitung. Serahkan diri padaNya dan perbaiki diri kita.

Luka tidak akan terluka di tempat yang sama. Begitu juga luka di hati. Selagi parutnya masih ada, ia tidak akan terluka buat kali keduanya. Beribu-ribu persoalan yang terhambur namun yang pasti jawapannya terlalu kabur untuk digapai minda. Hikmah yang tersurat dan tersirat memang tidak kita ketahui.

I was telling Fh how I've not been wise in certain areas of my life and they cost me my loved ones. We straightened a few matters and I was quite relieved. The spiritual journey each person embarked on is a different experience for each and every one of us. At times you're loss for words trying to share about it. Alhamdulillah Fh is slowly accepting my decision. I'm thankful she tried to understand. Maybe it was because she had been through the same though slightly at a different pace and state of affairs.

Being just and keeping an open mind; only one who has been in it can identify with what you went through.

Yes? No?

I got more Maal Hijrah wishes compared to New Year's day. How many more years would it take before three New Years coincides in the same month? =)

Got a little carried away while blog hopping. Came across a sister's blog (two actually, she's maintaining two blogs) and reading her story touched my heart. I was purely kepoh chi yesterday wanting to know her life's narration. I felt myself able to relate a lot to her stories. A LOT!!

I am reminded a lot about what I've went through. Why yer all these now?

On another note, I am glad I prolonged my stay at home. The clouds are pretty much cleared. I'm not sure how would the progress be nearing the day of my departure.

Dear me, I'm practically scanning every piece of recollections I gathered from that sister's blog.

When you thought that you've been hit to the pits, there’re actually others who are having it too, and might have got it worst...

My dear adik is back in Selayang too. It seems like the winter has got its toll on her. Another reason to look forward to going back to KL. A wonderful surprise that Rin sent a message too to meet up. Hidayah is also coming down and I'm also anticipating in meeting a few others.

My foster parents' flight was delayed. Still not sure of their arrival yet as of now. Told Siti to keep me informed. Shikin's parents are also arriving from Mecca within these few days. Am planning to pay them a visit too.

Alhamdulillah. Semoga mendapat haji yang mabrur. May they have a safe journey back.

Is it that hard to digest that you look up and adopt other's parents as your own? I have always had close relationships with my friends' parents and well, you simply felt honoured when you're introduced as their anak angkat. They seem so proud to say it aloud.

Yes, they are not my flesh and blood but as elders, as muslims, doesn't it justify the amount of respect and love I ought to show? I just have a soft spot at the mention of orang tua, mak abah etc. It's not being blindly obedient but it's just that they're elders... kan?

There are times you have to stand up for your faith/belief/principle, against the people who have taken care of you for more than two decades. It's not easy. Never will be. Gradually they will come to respect your decisions too provided it's done properly. InsyaAllah... My dad once told me that ONLY your family can accept you as you are and WILL be there for you; not friends, or any other so-called close buddies. There're some truth in what he said there. Apa pun, I believe, if you're sincere things will prevail. No worries. InsyaAllah...

Sabda Rasulullah SAW:

Barangsiapa mendirikan solat yakni ia telah mendirikan agama dan barangsiapa meruntuhkan solat yakni ia telah meruntuhkan agama kerana sesungguhnya solat itu adalah tiang agama.

HR Al-Baihaqi

Amalan-amalan yang terawal diambil kira dari seseorang hamba di hari kiamat adalah solat. Jika solat diterima maka amalan-amalan lain juga diterima. Jika solatnya ditolak maka begitu jua amalan-amalan yang lain. Terdetik lah untuk bermuhasabah diri serba sedikit di tahun baru ini.

Keutamaan solat di awal waktu. Fadhilat ganjaran bagi yang memelihara solat. Bencana meringankan solat. The list is endless.

Solat adalah identiti seorang muslim/muslimah. Sesiapa pun berupaya menutup aurat tetapi solat itu difardukan ke atas seorang yang mengaku Islam, tanggungjawab seorang insan kepada Khaliknya.

Seharusnya orang yang menitikberat soal solat; terpuji akhlaknya, terurus amalannya, elok peribadinya. Akan tetapi, ilmu manusia itu umpama air di hujung jari-jari sedangkan ilmu Allah itu bagaikan lautuan yang tidak ketahuan daratannya. Derma Allah akan ilmuNya maka manusia meraihnya dalam ayat-ayat suci al-Quran.

Dewasa ini, perintah solat dan peringatan Allah bagai tidak membawa kesan pada hati manusia. Sehinggakan acapkali timbul kata-kata yang kurang enak didengar;

"Apa bezanya pakai tudung atau tidak? Yang bertudung ni pun kadang-kadang lebih teruk dari yang tak pakai. Baik tak payah pakai."

"Walaupun tak pakai tudung at least aku sembahyang."

"Bertudung labuh tapi etc etc..."

"Menghafaz ayat dan hadis bagai, tapi, sikap etc etc..."

"Kubur kita berlainan...”

Kenapa agaknya boleh jadi sampai macam ni ya.

Wallahualam.

Sedikit renungan untuk muhasabah diri.

Muharram

Nilai Tudung Wanita

Nothing better to do at the moment so am repetitively listening to the following sampai la terasa nak termuntah =P

Some old and new favourites:

Don't Forget about Us - Mariah Carey

Shake You Off

We Belong Together

We Can Make It - Code Red

Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson

Layan blues sensorang. Clips and lyrics in front and humming alone. I think I accidentally sang aloud at times. I'm just overdosed with carbonated drinks. And a little weng after a series of lecture on pijats. hahahaaa...

Rounds of visitings are usually bound to make you wishing to hit the sack as soon as you arrive home and the house's door's opened. The weather has been extremely hot despite all the forecasts of floods to happen. Alhamdulillah, or else I might have smeared mud all over my pants.

When we were younger, red was a must-wear colour for first day of the new year. Not anymore. Today, I had a pinkish/peachy/orangey blouse (?) with beads and white pants and black pumps. Oh, am so in love with my new pumps. Am so guilty of vanity when I can't help checking them out every time I walked. hahahaaa...

As usual topics of discussion would be on the sleepless night everyone had the night before. Fireworks were rapidly burnt at about 11.30am till 2am. Doesn't seem so banned ay? heheee... But, seriously, if there were no crackers lit up, Chinese New Year would be lifeless. Yes, you can argue about all the various ways to usher in the New Year, but well, at least that's what I personally feel.

And just when I was mentioning about not having the desire to tie the knot (oh, I've repeated it so often, lebih 40 kali dah, akan makbul agaknya... hahahaaa... anyways, not a top priority), and well, guess what my fortune cookie read when I broke one today?

You will tie the knot in a year's time.

hahahaaa... few years back we played this 'game' in campus. Items needed are a plain gold ring, a half-filled glass and a strand of the said person's hair. I forgot how is it played. After all it was all in the name of fun. Oh, how old did they predict I would get hitched? hahahaaa... 23. It is soooooooooooo not going to happen.

What sparked all the thoughts? All the uncles and aunties lah mentioning about lim teh (drinking tea). hehee... Takde nyer. Ngarut je. Keje dulu.

A beautiful surprise as we moved about, I got people calling me 'cikgu' still. It turned out some of them saw my pics in the published sch magazines last year. I taught in two schools and one of them was my alma mater.

Since I was in school I have always dreamt of being a principal in my alma mater. Hah, amik kau. Bukan alang-alang. Takde nak terfikir jadi cikgu ke, senior assistant ke, nak jadi principal terus hah. heheheee... It's just that... the traditions, the values are something I'd like to take a part in preserving. I'm sure everyone has some sentimental thoughts of their alma mater.

It's an impossible feat though. Suffice to say that my alma mater is a mission school. Anyways, insyaAllah, wherever I land myself, education is something I'm passionate about and will pursue. Nothing is ever too late ay?

Yes? No?

Tidak semudah melafazkannya. Lebih sukar untuk diamalkan.

Kerana menurut perasaan amarah. Kerana mengikut kata hati. Nilai sebuah persahabatan menjadi taruhan.

Benarlah kata orang, nila setitik rosak susu sebelanga. Sedangkan lidah lagikan tergigit. Cubit paha kanan, masakan yang kiri tidak merasa. How can I just stand and watch?

Out of anger, sometimes we say things we didn't really mean. As the saying goes terlajak perahu boleh diundurkan, terlajak kata buruk padahnya.

Instead of paying attention to your one flaw, and trying 'so hard' to point things out to you, I should have considered of all the beautiful things you've done for me and retained the patience. I owe you a lot dear friend. For the advices, for being there at my lowliest hour, for all the laughters and tears we shared. Dear N, you have no idea how much I miss you.

Though I meant well maybe the way I laid my disagreement was harsh. Three years of friendship is what I'm trying to save. It's been almost a year since we really sit down and talked. I must make sure we meet up and clear the fallacy.

If only she knows how much I care... and, for the reasons behind...

Memoirs of a Geisha. Four Brothers. Next, will be Fearless. =) It's been so long with HP IV being the last one!

In the middle of the movie, Farrah said "I wish you don't have to go back to KL". (she just doesn't want to lose another movie partner... hahahaaa..). I simply said "hhmmm..." while deep down I was wishing just for the same alas, it is not an option at the moment.

When we were at the museum, the 'conversation' took place. However, their starting sentence had rather put me on alert mode that they are about to make the 'conversation'.

Me: *smile* Yes. It is a fine day. Go on and ask. I know you've wanted to get it out.

I have no idea sometimes where do I get the strength. At times... you simply feel tak larat. Tak larat sangat-sangat. To go on.

Is it for the faith I hold onto?

Is it for my family's sake?

Is it for my own life?

Last night I heard a hadith on IKIM.fm. It goes something like; hiduplah sepertimana kamu kehendaki tetapi ingatlah mati akan tiba, cintailah sesiapa yang kamu kehendaki tapi tapi ingatlah ia hanya sementara, buatlah sepertimana yang kamu kehendaki tetapi ingatlah kamu akan diadili. (I can't quite recall sebab it was in between my sleep)

I had a long, long pause all of a sudden. Lost in thought.

In Memoirs of a Geisha, there was one time Mr.Chairman said to Sayuri that if you receive happiness, it is a gift, not something you claim your right upon. Yes? No?

Everything in life, I want to treat them as blessings; be it in disguise or not. I'm constantly reminding myself of the word redha, sabar, tawakkal, yakin. Seseorang tidak akan diuji di luar kemampuan, insan terpilih, etc etc. It's just during certain moments you just wish to fall down to your knees and... be weak for once.

However, that's not really a wise option is it?

Life is about choices. We were given the free will to decide. Being human, as weak n unknowledgeable as we are we tend to make mistakes in life. I guess realizing this particular verity; it is easier to bury the hatchet.

Sometimes knowing our own self, we avoid venturing out there. Certain areas of your life are guarded carefully. It is not a matter of sealing things behind bars but, (to quote friends who knew me for a decade and since campus years), I do tend to be prim and proper, being levelheaded and take things around me into consideration for a long, long time and weighing consequences.

I'll take time and effort to think things over and I hardly rebel; which bring to the 'conversation' that I had yesterday; if in any case my decisions in recent years is out of unruliness deep in my heart. Of course to that I replied a firm 'NO'.

I find no cause to rebel. Slight mayhem perhaps and even that was done in school. Was the mastermind some more. Teruk ay. It did not went over boundaries just a few stands we needed to highlighted to the teachers. I know how some people view that it is not worth to stand up for yr friends in such manner and started questioning are they even blood-related to you; it's just that I am not one who will keep one eye shut when it comes to my friends. Anyways, that one in school we had a landslide victory. hehehee... nonetheless, along the years I did encounter friends who have disappointed me. But, lets not be the judge for that.

Be wise in life. Know your priorities. Nothing lasts anyway. Leave those who cared to judge aside; for as long you've achieved goals/dreams, remembering the next station, you have lived life. I don't believe that any sacrifices/efforts is a waste. Asalkan sincere dari awal dan nawaitu kita betul. Kita pun tak hope for anything in return, ye dak?

A favourite book I would love to get my hands on now is about Rabiatul Adawiyah. A remarkable lady.

Anything I would most want to avoid is driving around for the past and coming weeks. With Chinese New Year just around the corner, the crowds everywhere are maddening.

Wet markets are flooded with sea of people buying goods especially for the reunion dinner on the eve. Everyone's stocking up the essential vegetables and fish and meat. We just had ours today but one of our neighbours start piling up her stocks since last week. How I knew? I can hear her cartons of oranges and boxes of seafood being moved around and piled against each other and listened to her mother continuous naggings. heheee... anyways, as usual they sent us a box of mandarin oranges as a gift.

The queues are extra, extra long in supermarkets. I even had difficulty getting a push-cart! Parking is even worst. Sungguh mencabar.

When my late grandparents were still alive, we have our reunion dinner with them. Since they past away few years back, we'll join one of my mum's sister nowadays. Since it's two family combined, we usually cater and cook some as well. It is after all the New Year and well, being lavish once in a blue moon doesn't hurt.

After the dinner, we would usually drive around to the rest of my mum's siblings' houses and simply menyibuk around. My parents would usually fall asleep before midnight but when the fireworks are launched at the strike of midnight, they are usually up too. We do have our share of contributing to the noise and air pollution. heheheee... Fireworks display will usually last till 2-3am. Crazy ay but that's how it is. Traditionally people would usually continue playing the crackers till the 15th day or Chap Goh Mei and once again on that night are a few fireworks highlights.

Next morning you’re again awaken extra early by the deafening sound of firecrackers and lion dance troupes doing their boogie. Watching their performances were such a treat for children.

The last few days to New Year. Done with the biscuits and cake-making this week. It's with the on-going renovations that really tires us out with the extra cleaning up.

Dear little bro is arriving with the morning flight later. Now, I'm reminded of an incident. One thing is when you see someone buying an awfully lots of Gardenia buns and breads, BIG possibility that someone is from East Malaysia. We don't have those Gardenia buns with the corn and vanilla cream tuh. Unbelievable? Believe it! =P We would usually buy a few packets for my mum. But, there was one time when this guy queuing in front of me bough RM50 worth of buns! Boy, that's a lot dude. I think he was given the biggest paper bag Eraman had.

Why do they keep on playing Aishah's Tiada Lagi Tangisan. It's been a long time I've not heard the one by Misha Omar and I think Misha did a better rendition of that song. Kan?

Was blog-hopping around. And reading the on-going debates on certain platforms made me realized that you can't get everyone to agree with you. It's simply impossible to try to get your points across, and trying so hard to convince everybody. You maybe talking about apples while the majority may think it's about oranges. The matter of perspective.

Being the 'educated bunch', everyone wants to have a say and defending their points of arguments. In return they want others to join in on their side. Yes, you enjoy the critical responses/ feedbacks and all but I still think that since it's a matter of perception, people shouldn't be so uproared over an issue. Fine, amar maaruf nahi mungkar on his/her side. I agree there.

Oh, where am I going with all these. Thing is, that's it lah, you can't make everyone see things the way you're seeing it. Few may jump in the boat and join in yr side but don't expect others to do so too. You do not simply label and judge people just because they 'don't-get-my-point'. To a person it may be a great deal while to others it may remain insignificant. It doesn't mean they're not in the same light as you are but maybe...... it's simply from a different perspective.

A false alarm this morning. Mum thought she had lost her jewelleries. She searched high and low for it. I helped too though it's quite pointless since I have no clue at all and I didn't helped her to tidy her room before that. Anyways, just to ease her panic, I searched around with her. After a few minutes, then it occurred to me of something I read about long time ago, and since that had practiced it. When I misplaced stuff, (after all the frantic searching), I will quietly recite selawat and say a quiet prayer that He will 'help' me find it. I can't remember how many times. Sometimes I recite thrice, sometimes, nine, or eleven, or all the way trough till I found it. Actually just need to sit back, stay calm and focus then you'll remember where you've actually left it. Kan?

Got these pics from my brother's folder. So, here's a little series of tour around Kuching, the capital city of Sarawak.

The granny is in the midst of making the Pua material or fondly known as Pua Kumbu locally. Sarawak version of Songket lah more a less. It plays many key roles in the Iban cultures and traditions. The material itself is prepared from dyed threads and the patterns are usually from gold or silver threads. As for the dyed threads, they would usually opt for red or dark blue. Set the contrast for either the gold or silver threads, kan? Now we also have the Textile Museum next to the Old Courthouse that you can visit to get to know the various materials each ethnic is famous for in Sarawak.

This is how the steps used to look like in the longhouses. It is merely the trunk of the tree being chopped a few inches deep and apart each other to form curvatures deep enough to set your feet firm as you descend up and down. However, most modern longhouses built a safer version of steps with plywood which is broader or longhouses are started to be built on ground like really long terrace houses. You can still try this version of stairs at the Sarawak Museum.

That guy is playing the Sape, a guitar like instrument. Sape is a pentatonic music instrument which means it only has five tones. Most of the traditional musical instruments are pentatonic scaled.

This makcik is separating the rice from its husks that's already off the rice. Traditional method of menampi beras. Used to enjoy doing this when was younger. Nowadays the beras are cleaner (?), so no need to tampi anymore. heheee...

Olden days Chinese used this grind stone to grind rice into flour to prepare various kuih muih. Used to see one in our ancestral home but since our uncle moved away, and the house was left to tumble down to the ground, I have no idea what happened to the grind stone.

This is the traditional bamboo dance yang sangat menguji minda, fizikal, ketangkasan, kecekapan dan ketereran tahap cipan anda. Not for the faint at heart.. heheheee...

More pics in the next entry.

When I took some time out to come back home this time around, I vowed to myself that I would spend 90% of time at home. As for someone who enjoys going out a lot it is quite a feat for me. Oh, I just don't register myself with Jabatan Ukur Tanah offficially. =P I didn't mind at all when I see my brother out the door every night after nights. Oh, he's been spending the last few days traveling with his friends (which means I get to treat his notebook macam harta sendiri) till next week. All the more reasons for me to stick at home and helped around. Tiring it is, being domestic once in a while is quite fun; as of this time I've done three rounds of laundry as of this time. A 9.0kg machine! Up and down between blogging and pegging the laundries. Balcony-view seems like someone is operating an illegal kedai dobi at home. heheee... Mind you, it's not overdue laundry, just that we're changing everyone's bedspreads.

What I really wanted to jot down has got something to do with a couple of phone calls/e-mails/texts that came around yesterday.

A former lecturer gave a suprising call in the morning. A pleasant one that is. In the evening received another e-mail from her. There was also another call that made my day. If everything works out and materialized as it is, alhamdulillah. If it doesn't there's always something else to look forward to. As I was replying Dr.Rosz's e-mail, I guess I quite miss her and wishing to meet her soon. It's nice of her to be on the lookout for opportunities on our behalf.

I didn't thought I would have some corresponding to do from home. Thank God what's needed at the moment are only forwarded CVs.

It's really funny actually. I am quite stumped. In a nice way that is. Somehow, to see a rainbow (though still at a distant) this prompt (?). I did end my day on bed with lots, and lots of ponderings. To realised that many actually cares. Well, you do know that they're always there and only a phone call away, but it's even more moving that they're the ones reaching out to you without even knowing you are actually needing them the most at the said moment.

So you know, (if you're reading this girl) yr text made me smile ear to ear. Mengawal perasaan adalah lebih susah dari mengawal sekandang lembu (?!!)... hahahaa... what lar you, girl. What an alteration. You are so, so found guilty of contaminating our national language. Can't wait to see you, really.

And after a short chat with Hani, I am pretty excited to get back now. Dah sampai sana, teringat family di sini pulak ya. Lumrah lah tuh. Anak mak. heheeee... things will fall into places lah, don't worry, kan. Everything will be just fine. =)

God bless you all a bunch of good, good people.

Caught one of my favourite lady on tv this morning so I decided to stay tuned. It turned out that the topic was on marriages. Why are there so many failed marriages nowadays? Is honesty the best policy at all time? How to tackle the presence of a third party? It's been a long time since I've seen her on tv so it's nice to be hearing her again. She's quite a low-key motivational speaker, and I like her. Good both in BM and English. There's just something about her voice la. Well, as to quote a friend, everyone can sing, but it's that certain voice that's prized. Same goes for everyone can motivate people I guess, it's just the way you present it that makes all the difference. Maksud yang sama tapi cara penyampaian berbeza kan banyak bezanya. Salah penyampaian maka wrong msg lah yang being conveyed.

Be frank, honest, love, care and share, put them in the marriage bowl. That's the secret. Everyone in the household is a leader. Yes, the husband is the leader but everyone is a leader inside, in you. You must have the sense of sharing responsibilities and be independent. Anyone must be able to open up to constructive criticism. Life and love is about sharing, trust and understanding.

That’s the thing too. The younger generations are much more 'educated' in comparison to our forefathers and yet the divorce statistics seemed that only sky is the limit. You know in a marriage you must do this, tolerate that, communicating ideas across etc etc, and yet, it still happens. True, mana ada marriage that doesn't rocks. Mana ada marriage yang doesn't go through hard times. Well, in regards with the high statistics, I like the comment laid by the other panel which is initially you were not in depth with the relationship. You have not been able to connect on the whole. It's all coated in sugary syrup during the courtship days.

Another statement mentioned that you cannot compare yrself to the mother. You just have to know you're second in place. He's been under his parents care for say, 25,26,27 years and he's only been with you not even a decade, so you have to understand and give in at times. Teringat pulak one incident whereby this aunty that I know can finally have the guts to say this to her husband, "Awak dah duduk dengan saya 40 tahun, awak duduk dengan mak awak 21 tahun, siapa yang patut awak lebihkan sekarang?" she can say that lah since it's been 40 years. Anyway, was not so paying attention so I didn't know what ignite that remark. Not gonna touch on submission and all but a wife's place does come second after his mother, kan...

Reality speaking is out of the 100% you're giving in a marriage, it'd be essential that at least 70% is patience. Tanpa kesabaran I think one can easily collapsed. Even under any circumstances pun, bawa banyak-banyak bersabar.

They were all also doing some sms polls, though we have no idea how many actually voted, 61% disagree to being honest at all time. 39% hold on to this best policy.

What else did they talked about... I can't remember. Then, on Oprah, she was also touching on the issue of honesty and infidelities. Basically watching all these that spark off the entry.

Well, like I told Kak Teh last night, am still very much a green pucuk ubi, so young and still have many more to look fwd in life. Tidak sesuai membicarakan topics like these.

It's like a mini construction site in here. The lingering smell of cements, paints, the drillings, and my parents kept calling checking on me and the workers. This morning we watched the re-run of Malcolm In The Middle together and had a good laugh (!). Basically, because they're doing the living room area this morning.

And I've not had anything yet... better make a move now.

Have a beautiful day you beautiful people.

This girl would be so damn perasan if I tell her I decided on her name as a post title. Truth is I spent my afternoon with this pretty girl today. Stop by her house to perform my delayed prayers and while chatting away came her uncle from her mum's side with some rambutan. Siti's mum is a Chinese so she does celebrate both Raya and Chinese New Year too. Her parents are currently performing the Hajj and will be coming back the end of this month. The ties are fortified as her parents decided to take me as a foster daughter. I seldom talked to the dad though (read:segan) and I've only actually got to know her brothers this year. One of her brother is the imam at our Masjid Jamek. A good sport and is not shy to show his affections towards his wife in public. One time I was riding a car with them and also Siti's sis-in-law who is now 7-months pregnant, and her brother recites some surah throughout the drive and constantly holding the wife's hands and checking if she's alright. I think it's very sweet and thoughtful (the wife had a miscarriage before this). I hope her parents will arrive safely this 31st.

It was almost 5pm so I told Siti that we better get going. On the way out noticed a rat in a cage. When Siti took a look at the rat she was practically screaming at the reduced size of the rat by almost 50%. I think she was almost in tears when she said that her brother is negligence in caring for the rat. He should have thrown it out two days ago. Dok terkurung only, mana tak kurus melidi dah. I asked why didn't she throw it out herself and she said she was scared. Without even thinking (?!!) I offered to do it for her. When we arrived at a nearby bush suddenly I felt nervous. "Oh my, this is a nasty little rodent we're dealing with here! What if the rat reversed back towards me?" Then I told Siti and she pun ambik peluang lah to kutuk I. "Tak boleh jadi nih. Have to do it." After a few attempts amid some shouting, screaming, and giggles, the little beast is back to nature. Pandai-pandai la nak cari rumah baru my friend.

Reason being is to have a joyride within some neighbourhoods in our vicinity. Nak cari idea cat rumah, ok ke? heheee... she planted the idea of shades of reds, and somehow I find myself quite liking the idea... in the first place; then, when she remarked, "Nanti rumah you macam tokong Cina. Padan muka." means goodbye to that idea. Saw some nice new mansions. Still no nice colours in sight.

The other thing we wanted to do is to have a stroll at the new Friendship Park (nama, skema giler) or Taman Sahabat (and I thought friendship=persahabatan). However, the tummy begs to be filled after almost the whole day going on strike. It's Siti's birthday today, so I treated her to KFC. Tried the not-so-new-any-longer KFC fish burger. And hey, KFC dah ada nasi ya. Verdict: SugarBun's rice is better. Yakked again about almost everything under the sun (including rising sch fees, and local IPTs, can you believe us??!). Bought some food for mum and it's already nearly 6.30pm.

I think I'll go crazy if I don't talk simply just to any humans. I just have so much to comment on. Busybody kan? Shared some cooking tips and boleh debate lagi whether Puding Rambutan is doable or not. Siti wants to modify the Puding Laici recipe. Well, good luck cleaning up the skin of the seeds yang akan melekat all over the flesh. Suka lah buat cara yang complicated. Tak puas hati tuh, recipe tart pun bleh jadik issue. She's not satisfied on why her tarts tak pernah menjadi though she's carefully applied the rub-in method la, korek lubang tengah tepung and adun guna hujung jari, air sesejuknya la etc. Sembang-sembang recipe lah pulak petang nih.

On the way home requested she burnt some Quran recitation CDs for Nanie and myself. The ones you can play in yr car lah of course (if u're reading this lady, jangan beli ya, and I have another belated birthday gift for you *wink* and Hani msg I tadi, thank you dear and you take good care of minah tuh ok, fragile lagi tu. Tunggu I balik then kita bersuka ria ya.).

It's good eh, Siti has finally memorized surah As-Sajadah due to constant listening. Well, when you listen over and over again of course you'd memorized it naturally. Soon we were brought onto various topics again. Thing is why I love this girl so much is, it's hard to find someone whom you can share on religious areas without offending the other party and vice-versa. It is a regret to not be able to share freely in this department sedangkan apa yang terdetik di hati kita cuma nak saling mengingati antara satu sama lain, to simply remind each other. When we compare our charts, you're quickly reminded of the lines that seem to keep fluctuating. To this day, I think I've only found another person other than Siti. That other lady is cool too. There are many that I find comfort in talking about these stuff actually but the degree differs.

Some things we gathered throughout the day.

Am reminded again keafdalan solat di awal waktu and tentang dosa meninggalkan satu waktu solat dengan sengaja. Scary ya to talk about hell actually.

Bacaan Ya Latif berupaya melembutkan hati-hati yang keras. When preparing a drink or food boleh la diamalkan mudahan lembut hati ibu bapa, anak-anak atau suami dengan petunjuk Allah. Setiap nama Allah ada keistimewaannya.

Apa-apa pun amalan adalah tentang keikhlasan, istiqamah dan mencari keredhaan Allah. Hatta membaca Bismillah untuk setiap pekerjaan, kalau istiqamah pun something that is applaudable. Of course as you grow older you would want to do more tapi biar lah istiqamah.

Siti was sharing about one time she was tirelessly performing the tahajud every single night (I think my jaw sort of dropped hearing this, you know, considering the time, effort etc). And things seem to flow well for her. I shared about the time I had assiduously recite Yassin everyday. Only to be revealed by Siti that actually, barangsesiapa mengamalkan membaca Surah Yassin setiap kali selepas Subuh, Allah akan membuka pintu kesulitan baginya dan mempermudahkan jalan serta apa jua pekerjaan. Siti also shared that if whoever can do it, it is also good to recite Al-Ikhlas 100 times a day. What I can share is insyaAllah, amalan bacaan Yassin itu boleh lah diamalkan sebab you'd be surprised yrself to experience how things seem to fall into places then.

Thing is, I'm sure we've read all the various khasiat of all kinds of amalan throughout our life. Deep down rasa tak terbuat lah sebab kadang-kadang it is baca 100 kali, 1000 kali, berbelas, berpuluh kali. What ever it is, asal kita yakin, InsyaAllah. Dia kan Lebih Mengetahui.

Arrived home with a little guilt sebab left mum to do all the cleaning up alone. Ongoing renovation. After mopping, I can still feel the dust at my feet. Need major washing lah lepas nieh.

Dear me, need a good rest tonight. A long day it will be come tomorrow.

Yes it is. It is time (bak kata N) to let go.

All hell was let loose this morning. I knew I had it bad going online so early in the morning. I'm still a little jumbled up. What good does it bring you when you've cried yr heart out, two nights in a row. Dah la tgh emo, layan Hindustan lagi, memang naya la.

The first thing I did was to wrap all the gifts to be sent back. I don't ever want to have anything that's gonna remind me. I called N and screamed on the top of voice muttering craps such as, feeling like jumping into the Sarawak River, or maybe get myself hit in front that infamous cat statues and be aired on Buletin Utama tonight. N managed to calm me down a little simply by saying, "You are not yrself now. I will talk to you later ok when you've calmed down"

N has to get ready to work anyway. I called the next person who knows. F took time out for half an hour basically listening to me cursing myself away. I know I can't bother her for long as she has to work. She made me promised so hard to make sure I'll take good care.

After posting the what-nots I decided for a little retail therapy. Even that doesn't work!!! I saw CB and as much as I want to indulge myself, I hate the sight of it at the moment. At the time being, I even hate the fact of going back to KL. N called and I whined my heart out again. "I can't even shop. I think I'm going to go back empty handed" and N merely laughed and said make sure I do go back with something. "Yes, why not a 3-inch heel for me to kick asses?" (am at evil mood)

"Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?" (29:2). Now, the things that N said, I am very grateful of.

"You know dear, I ada banyak benda nak bagitau u tapi I need to wait till you calm down first. Satu je la I nak bgtau you. It is time to let go. Itu sahaja. It's taken its toll on you. Bukan sekejap menda nih. You jangan fikir la the reasonings that may be behind all these, what ever probs he's having, matured tak matured, sebab masalahnya sekarang dia pikir ke pasal u, dia cuba nak paham u ke? Come on la, I was with you all along, I tau segala kisah you, and I totally understand how it feels though only you know how exactly you feel inside. Do you understand what I'm saying? You tak salah. Nothing to be embarrassed of. You berusaha your very best to save what was left because you know what you want but he is not doing any efforts at all. Lest to say appreciating it. I tau you sayangkan dia but come on la, where was he when you had to go through all the obstacles to be at this point and you still have a long way to go. You mesti relax. Enjoy yrself at home for now sebab when you come back to KL later it's going to be tough for you. Success spells hard works my friend. You kawan I. How can we stand seeing you being treated this way. Sekarang dia dah cari masalah dengan I jugak. He is messing with the wrong group of women la. I don't understand why he is so rude to not answer my calls. He has an issue with u itu adalah masalah both of u la. Nape nak kurang ajar dgn I plak. Kalau jumpa semalam I dah belasah dah agaknya. You know my temper. Apa salahnya pick up my call, and meet up, tak nak hadiah sudah lah, takde orang nak paksa. I'm not doing this for him ok, I'm doing this simply for you who is my friend. I don't even know him. For yr sake juga lah I bersabar nih. You don't worry too much la dear. You masih muda, priorities you banyak terhadap career, family etc. You kan, I know la all the things you went through and did, yr sacrifices, and demi Allah dear, insyaAllah segala pengorbanan you tak akan sia-sia, Allah akan balas you dengan seorang lelaki yang seribu kali lebih baik dari dia, insyaAllah. You trust me on that. And him, you jangan bimbang la, what goes around comes around. And KL nieh kecik la. He does not deserve you at all. Right now you calm down dulu, jangan belasah-belasah orang. It won't do you any good. Jangan bawa kereta macam hantu coz there're innocent people on the road. You are not yrself at the moment. I kenal you la. Go back to your sensible self. You take care ok. Bila you balik nanti I bawa you gi mandi sungai, bbq, and main gitar ok?"

Well, like what I've told N and F. I tak marah. Nak kata upset tidak jugak. Tapi it just feels good to curse, I guess. To vent out. Tak boleh nak bawak bersabar nor mengucap at the moment sebab am feeling bitter. It hurts so much that I'm having on-off chest pains. But, but, I'm not, well, marah or sedih or kecewa bagai nak rak. I won't aniaya diri sendiri semata-mata seorang lelaki. I can carry it all to my grave but to break down is not even the slightest possibility. For me, I ikhlas dalam apa jua I did, I tidak mengharapkan balasan so I guess that's why I'm not deeply affected and the rest is history. Bengang of course la bengang sebab the turnout of things tapi is it worth it to stay bengang?

I don't want my friends and myself to be troubled with issue bodoh as such. I might as well drain their brain for ideas on how to deal with so many other important stuffs. I tidak lah mendoakan yang bukan-bukan sebagai balasan. I'm not even hoping the karma thing would work. I just don't feel like feeling like it. I've prayed hard all these while and will not turn my back against my own prayers. Cuma selepas ini, full-stop lah. I'm sure there are many others who prays for him now and then.

Just today...

Closing the chapter.

I avoid questionings of why(s) in life. Simply because I don't wish to doubt His ways of doing things. And yet at times I can't help feeling miserable with the turnouts. It hurts to see your efforts being flushed down the drain. It hurts to be ignored. And it especially hurts to realized you're among the few being treated in such a way.

I realized He wants me to be constantly near Him but isn't there a lighter burden to come with? The solution may be there, I may have refused to see it, so help me Lord to see a clearer path.

Between You and I, are kept only for our knowledge. Never even revealed to those I consider close. It's not to avoid being labeled pious but simply I was not ready to reach out/share in that particular department. When You answered to my istikharah, I felt so helpless as I dare not talk to anyone about it. I thought it was endurable then. Years later it got unbearable. I decided to share and seek for second opinion(s). When we sat down and talked then I realized how major the issue was. And yet I find myself still struggling... is a little appreciation too much to ask for?

I believe in answered prayers. I know You always have attended to them. A friend's birthday-I recite the Yassin, I prayed for lifelong happiness and success, a life to be filled wisdom, strengthened Iman, increased Taqwa, and Istiqamah in deeds. At least I know this is the one gift that can't be thrown out of anger.

Maybe it was due to the doldrums I've been having the whole day; I feel especially close to You when I did my sujud. I whine, I cried only to take in sudden epiphany that I (can) gained inner peace by Your side.

It still hurt a lot as of this time. Eventually I know I will bounce back. I guess I just have to be a little patient and take some of my happy pills now...

Few of my brother's friends arrived from Penang, Johore and Miri for a visit earlier this week. Last night we had a dinner party for them and invited some of their coursemates while they were all undergoing their foundation courses in Shah Alam last year. Shah Alam=PPP=overseas programme and yes, we did get lots of anecdotes from all these future engineers and docs.

Dinner stretched from 7.30pm to 9.00pm. We had fun teasing them what they can't get in Peninsular. Someone even kiddingly asked, "Do you have starfruits there ah?". To which the reply was a "Yeeesssss!!". heheee... Finally fate was on their side when they suggested roti canai for breakfast and we had to give in by saying that good spot for a piece of roti just doesn't exist here. With an alleviated pitch they exclaimed, "hah! Finally the one thing Kuching doesn't have!" I guess when there's no good supply, there aren't any demand thus not one really bother to master the art of roti making kot. *sigh* That is among the no.1 reason to go KL. heheee... And after dinner, the girls did most of the cleaning up. =)

We had quite a lot (frankly) for about 10 guests.

Mixed veggies, roasted chicken, lemon chicken, midin (local delicacy; a type of fern), pansoh chicken (chicken cooked in bamboo with a little salt, lemongrass and tapioca leaves), and partially hidden is the infamous Sarawak layered cake in a Swiss roll version, coconut juice, and fruits.

Pansoh chicken

Tomyam

BBQ chicken

Buah engkalak (a local ulam that has a crossed-taste between avocado and custard apple; soaked in boiling water to soften)

Red in colour rice, quite a sought after item. It is planted in hilly areas.

Dig in.

The Swiss roll and Yam Jelly (the yam slices are in the jellies)

Have a great weekend!